Yes we know they're little bundles of joy,
uniquely beautiful and models of
unutterable perfection, but just don't
go on about it. Your love affair with
your new baby borders on the
unseemly, and it's something
that's best kept to yourself.

We know that your universe
has just realigned itself and
perspectives are dizzyingly
altered. In the foreground,
looming large, is a world of feeding
times, sterilising units, nappy changes, sore nipples and sleepless nights. Everything else - from close friendships to world politics - has been consigned to the distant horizon. But you have to realise that this is an abnormal, and temporary, state of affairs. Eventually you will wake from your slumber and stumble back into the real world….

If you want your social universe to remain exactly where you left it, then take these simple precautions. Never talk about the minutiae of baby care (wind, bowel movements, teething, feeding patterns) with anyone, unless explicitly asked to do so. Assume that, where your baby is concerned, all your friends have infinitesimally short attention spans. So keep despatches from the nursery short, wry and amusing. Above all, never allow yourself to feel resentful about your friends' perceived shortcomings in relation to your baby. When sanity returns, you will understand and forgive everything.

Remember that the rest of the world is not intensely infatuated with your baby. So while you may find his/her cries, smells, drooling etc. captivating, other people will not, and should be shielded from the worst. You may well have developed a laissez-faire attitude to blood-curdling screams, but be aware that every shriek is flaying your companions' shattered nerves, and take evasive action. An insouciant shrug and the words "Don't worry, he's just a bit tired" is not acceptable behaviour from an adult. Remove the baby and deal with it. And resist the temptation to tell everyone all about the problem, in forensic detail, on your return…