Top Tips for Relating to Older People

Never make the crass assumption that old age is inevitably partnered with senility. Talking to older people as if they're confused infants is the height of bad manners. Confusion and vagueness are not inevitably, or necessarily, the exclusive preserve of the elderly, and you should - as with all social encounters - assume (unless proven otherwise) that the person you are talking to is of sound mind.

Similarly, never assume that older people are deaf as posts. True, some older people are hard of hearing and, if that is the case, it will become immediately apparent (frequent repetitions of 'pardon', head craned towards the speaker, hands held to the ear, bizarre responses, or simply instructions to 'speak up!'). 

If none of these symptoms are displayed, assume that you are talking to someone who can hear what you are saying and speak at a normal volume. It is unforgivably rude to shout at an older person as if he or she is an imbecile.

Different times, different manners. It is probably safe - unless you are instructed to the contrary - to assume that the older generation expects slightly more reticent and formal manners. 

This means taking the conversation at a slower pace, refraining from instant intimacy, censoring off-colour jokes and stories, not swearing, and being respectful of,  for example, religion (which might play an important role in the older person's life).

Be very careful about names. Many members of the older generation are very uncomfortable about the universal informality of today's society. They were brought up to believe that using a person's title ('Mr,' 'Mrs', 'Dr', 'Reverend' etc.) was indicative of the respect that was owed an older person, and they find the instant use of first names insulting and disrespectful.

When first meeting an older person, it is probably safest to adopt the default position of using a title and - when the time seems right - to actually ask if it's acceptable to use the first name ("Do you mind if I call you Mary?").

Be patient. Everybody slows down as they get older and everyday tasks (walking, eating, making the tea, finding the correct change etc.)  will inevitably take longer. You must accept this with good grace.

Always offer help and assistance to older people. If somebody refuses, don't be deterred in the future - there will always be people who are proud of their independence and reject offers of assistance, but they are the exception rather than the rule.

This means offering your seat on public transport, helping older people to pack at the supermarket checkout, carrying bags (off the train, for example), holding open doors and waiting patiently, offering an arm if the going is unsteady.

SHARE THIS:

Home Life

Debrett's Handbook

Debrett's Handbook

Debrett's Handbook

Debrett's Handbook

Debrett's new publication encompassing correct form, modern manners and everyday behaviour

search now
Debrett's Books

Debrett's Books

Debrett's Courses

Debrett's Courses

Training & Classes

Training & Classes

Providing the skills and confidence to be welcome and at ease in any professional or social situation.

search now
Guide to Entertaining Etiquette

Guide to Entertaining Etiquette

Guide to Entertaining Etiquette

Guide to Entertaining Etiquette

Explore and celebrate the many British rituals, customs and traditions that punctuate the year.

buy it now